The Prairie Post

2006-09-01T14:36:00.000-04:00

Tumbleweed of the Month
Ralph

I don’t even have to include his full name and right away you know exactly who I am talking about. When you achieve that kind of notoriety your decision to finally hang’em up is worthy of note. Of course I am talking about Ralph Reed, the former leader of the Christian Coalition.

Didn’t see that coming did you? No, I was obviously referring to the loveable and laughable Ralph Klein, soon to be ex-Premier of the Province of Alberta. As I write this, Ralph has held his final press conference as Premier and leader of the Alberta PCs. Just a couple of weeks ago, he gave an actual date (well, three to be precise) of sometime between September 14-16. By mid September, we won’t have Ralph to kick around any more.

If I wasn’t so lazy, I’d go back over the archives of the Prairie Post and tell you how many times he has appeared here whether it be the Tumbleweed of the Month like this month, the subject of an editorial, or a slightly befuddled and cantankerous interview. I think, if I recall correctly, we once even anticipated his new status as retiree and interviewed him in his declining years from a fishing lake in central Alberta. Let the Sun and the Journal try to beat that! Report the future news before it happens!

At first I was reluctant to give him any more space here fearing the “oh no, not another Ralph Klein piece” reaction but the more I thought about it, the more I realized this month’s Tumbleweed could only be him. After all, in a sense, Ralph Klein is the raison d’etre for the Prairie Post in the first place. It grew out of the documentation of the scandals within the Tory government and the Alberta Treasury Branches as it will always be known to me (I realize it should be ATB Financial-all corporate sounding) that appeared in Banksters and Prairie Boys, my book. The idea of keeping a running scorecard as it were on further scandal and cover-up appealed to me immensely. That’s really how the Prairie Post was born and why it continues. Certainly, we have covered other matters and have been decidedly offbeat with other topics but the focus has always been primarily with the Alberta government and its, shall we say, idiosyncrasies. It survives as no other government in Canada has survived. In Alberta, we don’t so much elect governments as put in place one-party states every thirty or forty years whether we need to or not.

And for the past 26 years and obviously during the time we are concerned with, the big cheese at the head of it all has been Ralph Klein. He is the Alberta government as far as most Albertans are concerned and he is certainly that for the rest of Canada as well. He has become a caricature of himself helped in no small measure by the press and our own humble contributions. Instead of fighting it, Ralph relishes it. He says and does the most outrageous things and then virtually dares reporters to cut him up in articles and editorials. Then, indignantly, he attacks them for what he knew would be the result. He is a character right out of opera buffo, clownish one moment, cantankerous and irascible the next. He incites blind loyalty or outright hate. It seems that in any discussion of Ralph Klein, there is no middle ground.

Personally, my own feelings are more of wonder than anything else and a sense of grudging respect that he managed to keep such solid control of his sometimes fractious party under control for so long. What other jurisdiction aside from some third world dictatorships has had that longevity?

So let me salute you, Ralph, for once again appearing here as the Tumbleweed of the Month. I’m not sorry to see you go but at the same time I am strangely conflicted about it. After all, who else is going to provide me with the wealth of material that you have over these past years. Enjoy your retirement Mr. Klein. In a bizarre way, I am going to miss you. Oh, and by the way, if you ever want to give me the straight goods on that whole West Edmonton Mall thing, call me. I’m all ears.

2006-09-01T14:35:00.000-04:00

Interview with the Liberal Party of Canada
(As We Imagine It)

I don’t know about you but hasn’t it seemed as if the Liberals have just disappeared from the national political stage? Only a scant few months ago they were governing our country and now it’s as if they are an afterthought. To get the inside scoop on what has been happening with it, we have decided to interview the Liberal Party of Canada. You can well imagine that it was a neat trick trying to get the whole party on to the ol’ Naugahyde interview couch. I’d like to see Don Newman try that! But enough of that and let’s get started shall we? Welcome Liberal Party of Canada to the famous Prairie Post interview.
A. Thank you. Thank you very much. It’ s certainly an honour to be here where so many prominent personages have sat before including, I might add, The Rt. Hon. Paul Martin and of course, the legendary Rt. Hon. Sir Wilfrid Laurier great Liberals both.
Q. Indeed. First off, I have to ask you, what you have been up to since the last election. As I said in the introduction, it seems as if you have virtually disappeared from the relevant political discussion in this country. It’s all Stephen all the time.
A. It might appear so but in reality I have been preparing for when next we return to our rightful place as the government of Canada.
Q. So you’re confident that the next election will see a Liberal government once again.
A. Oh yes indeed. In fact, right here in your cyber-journal, that’s the term you like to use, right, I will predict that we will return as a majority government after the next election. You heard it here first.
Q. That’s a very bold prediction.
A. And one I don’t make lightly. I think once the Canadian people get a true taste of the Conservatives over time, we’ll be a shoo-in.
Q. The latest polls show that Canadians are relatively happy with Prime Minister Harper so far. Ah, is something wrong?
A. No, no, I’m fine. It’s just that I can’t get used to hearing you-know-who’s name and Prime Minister in the same sentence.
Q. I saw you flinch and I thought you had a serious problem.
A. It’s still too early for me to hear Prime Minister what’s-his-name.
Q. Obviously, the election loss was very traumatic for you.
A. Are you kidding? I was devastated. It’s something I never expected in a million years. Come on, you can’t tell me that you weren’t surprised by the results. This is the Liberal Party of Canada for God’s sake. We were born to lead. Who else is better than the Liberals to look after Canadians tax dollars? It’s not even close!
Q. Wasn’t that part of the problem?
A. What do you mean?
Q. I think that one of the main issues of the election was the Adscam scandal and the blatant patronage and funneling of taxpayer dollars to Liberal graft.
A. It was all a huge misunderstanding. That’s not what happened.
Q. Of course it happened. I followed the Gomery Inquiry closely and the testimony revealed the level of patronage was unparalleled in Canadian history. It was criminal.
A. As they used to say in all those old western movies, them’s mighty strong words pardner!
Q. Huh?
A. Criminal? Where did you get your information?
Q. I told you. I followed Mr. Justice Gomery’s inquiry extremely closely in the media.
A. That was your first problem. The media managed to distort the facts all out of proportion. They mischaracterized the whole thing.
Q. I find that very hard to believe. After all, aren’t the media supposed to be liberal? Weren’t they constantly being accused of being too soft on Prime Minister Martin and his government?
A. Nothing could be further from the truth. The press crucified us and I don’t mind telling you that the real reason we were defeated was the constant character assassination in the press.
Q. So Mr. Martin’s seeming inability to put forth a coherent policy plus his pathetic reaction to the Adscam scandal was distorted. Is that what you are claiming?
A. Not only am I claiming it, I am telling you that was the definitive reason for our defeat.
Q. Is that also why you seem to be so bitter?
A. I’m not bitter. Let’s get that straight right up front. Sure I am disappointed over the results but I’m not bitter.
Q. You’re not?
A. Certainly not. In fact I view it as a new beginning for the Liberal Party of Canada. We can emerge fresh and revitalized to take our rightful place as Canada’s governing party. The leadership race further enhances that sense of renewal as we have many quality candidates that will change the face of the Liberal Party forever.
Q. That’s quite a noble speech. It sounds like it came from a campaign poster.
A. I don’t want you to belittle the Party’s efforts at renewal and growth. Why must you put a negative spin on it already?
Q. No, I apologize. I wasn’t trying to portray your efforts in a negative light. It just seemed that your comments were a little over the top.
A. I’m excited. Can’t I be excited?
Q. Sure, of course you can. In fact, let’s discuss the leadership campaign for a little bit. Without that, the Liberals would be getting no press at all.
A. No news is good news sometimes.
Q. I suppose so. Can we discuss the campaign then?
A. Go ahead.
Q. Give me your assessment of the field of candidates. There are eight of them I believe.
A. You have been paying attention. There were nine but Mr. Bevilacqua has since withdrawn to support Bob Rae.
Q. Now that I find interesting.
A. What’s that?
Q. How do you feel about the former leader of the NDP in Ontario and former premier of that province vying for the leadership of the federal Liberals? Don’t you find that a bit odd?
A. I want to be led by the best people available. Mr. Rae is obviously a winner. Why shouldn’t I be thrilled that he is in the race?
Q. It’s just that he has been long identified with the NDP. Doesn’t he bring that baggage with him as you try to regain the trust of the Canadian voter?
A. As you yourself pointed out, he did become Premier of Ontario.
Q. And if you ask Ontarians, did damage to that province they are still trying to recover from.
A. I think you’re referring to Mike Harris. Mr. Rae has always been a Liberal at heart and I think he is a fine candidate with solid support.
Q. What other candidates do you favour?
A. First of all, let’s make this perfectly clear lest there be any misunderstanding whatsoever. I do not, as the party, endorse any particular individual candidate. How can I? It just wouldn’t be right.
Q. But you don’t want Hedy Fry to be leader do you?
A. Nice try but I won’t answer.
Q. Joe Volpe can’t seem to get his campaign together. I suspect you don’t want him to bring that divisiveness to a party you say is trying for a new face.
A. I can’t comment on that.
Q. But I saw a twitch there, surely.
A. Not biting.
Q. Martha Hall Findlay?
A. Who?
Q. Aha! I caught you. She’s the candidate who lost to Belinda Stronach in 2004 and then when Belinda crossed the floor, she ceded her Liberal riding nomination to Stronach, Obviously a Party girl and I don’t mean that the way it sounds but she is kind of cute.
A. I recall yes, but I have no opinion on her leadership aspirations or her “hotness” factor.
Q. You have to admit she would make one sexy PM even though it’s a long shot.
A. Not even going to go there.
Q. What about the frontrunners?
A. I told you I can’t comment on any of them. I am strictly neutral.
Q. My personal favourite is Ken Dryden. Remember how calm, cool, and collected he used to be between the pipes. You gotta know he’d bring that same coolness under fire attitude to the PMO. Yeah, he’s definitely my favourite. Stephane Dion should play well in Quebec; Gerard Kennedy is not widely known yet has strong support within you; Scott Brison, again strong support. I have to believe you want the superstar of the bunch, at least that’s how he is being promoted.
A. Whomever do you mean?
Q. As if you didn’t know. I mean Michael Ignatieff of course.
A. Oh yes, Michael.
A. I see you’re getting all giddy at the mere thought of him as leader or as giddy as a political party can get at least.
Q. Now you know I can’t publicly endorse him but wouldn’t he be just the dreamiest party leader you ever saw?
A. Ah, yes, I guess. He does have the support of the vast majority of the caucus. Wasn’t there some sort of difficulty for him during the election campaign?
Q. What do you refer to?
A. You know, some in his constituency weren’t happy that he was parachuted into the riding after they had already picked a candidate.
Q. It was a minor organizational problem at worst.
A. He is perceived to be on the right wing of the party and definitely wants closer ties to the U. S. His career as an intellectual and author has largely been spent in the U. S. and supported the war in Iraq. Aren’t you being a little opportunistic promoting his leadership aspirations?
A. I am not promoting anyone’s aspirations. What did you mean by opportunistic?
Q. Let me give you an example. Let’s say Ford comes out with an extremely popular design of new car that sells like proverbial hotcakes. The next thing you know, GM is introducing a similar model with many of the same features “branded” or differentiated from the original competitors design only slightly. Do you see where I am going with this?
A. Frankly, no. When have the North American auto manufacturers come out with an innovative design lately?
Q. No, you missed my point entirely. It’s not really about automotive design at all. The point I was actually trying to make, albeit somewhat inelegantly, was that Michael Ignatieff is being presented as the Liberal version of the current popular design, i.e., Stephen Harper.
A. That’s preposterous.
Q. No, I don’t think so. The parallels are there.
A. Mr. Ignatieff has much more ability.
Q. Okay, so you think your model has the bigger engine. You are reinforcing my take on the leadership. He is the Liberal-branded model for a more conservative leaning Canada. It makes perfect sense and actually, I think Mr. Ignatieff, barring any serious public gaffes has a great opportunity to bring you, the Liberal Party, back into power.
A. You really think so?
Q. I do. The leadership convention should be highly interesting.
A. I think so too. I am so looking forward to it. I feel twenty, no thirty years younger just at the thought of it.
Q. Maybe after the convention, you’ll look it as well.
A. Thanks, I think.
Q. Oh, you are most welcome and thanks for joining us today. I look forward to seeing how this renewal process turns out. Thank you again.
A. My pleasure and see you in Montreal on the 29th of November. Good-bye for now.
Q. I won’t be there but I will be watching with interest. Good-bye.

2006-09-01T14:34:00.000-04:00

Odds and Ends

Say good-bye to the lazy, hazy, crazy days of summer, gang. Happy Labour Day and beyond! Now it’s time to get serious about life like we have to do every year as we head into the fall and winter, you know, like figuring out how not to freeze our keisters off and other important stuff like that. But before we do, there are a few items that caught my eye over the last month that I want to mention.

In the “We won’t have him to kick around any more” department:

This little item set my heart all aflutter. Our favourite foil and whipping boy, the class clown of Canadian politics, Ralph Klein said in August that he has finally picked a date when he will retire from politics. Sometime on September 14, 15, or 16, he’s going to hand in his notice. He can’t pick just one day? Wow, Ralph, there’s nothing like keeping the suspense right up until the last minute is there? I just can’t handle the drama any more.
I suppose it must be tied to a trigger date for the leadership vote in either October or November but it sounds totally ridiculous.
On an updated and related note, the Premier has just wrapped up his final news conference as Premier. “It was very touching,” said Ralph. I know I had a tear in my eye. “It was a long period of time coming to an end,” the master of the understatement allowed. Yeah, it was a long time coming alright, a few years too long. What’s really sad is that he probably would have continued on much past his best before date had not the party review suggested he find the nearest exit and use it. The truly great ones know when it’s time to leave-they don’t have to be pushed out the door.

“What century is this again?” department:

Hot on the heels of the Premier’s breathtaking unveiling of his departure date, another candidate to replace him as the party leader made his announcement. Yes, friends, we have the inimitable Victor Doerksen entering the fray. Victor who? Dorksen? Allow me to enlighten you. Mr. Doerksen represents Red Deer South as an MLA and was Innovation and Science Minister. He represents the “social conservative” side of the Alberta PCs which is the politically correct way of letting us know he is a wingnut. This enlightened candidate wanted to ban Steinbeck’s Of Mice and Men from school libraries because, according to Mr. Doerksen, his constituents were concerned the characters swore a lot. So do the characters in Shakespeare, you moron. Get a ****ing life! With that kind of innovative thinking, I shudder to think what he has done for the advancement of science and education in this province. Check the calendar, Vic. It’s 2006 not 1956. I noticed the articles about your entry gave you the benefit of the doubt calling you a contender. Yeah, and Salma Hayek is on the phone trying to get me to take her to lunch. Save your time and your money, Vic. It ain’t gonna happen. I have a better chance of a nosh with the lovely Ms. Hayek.

Don’t print the tickets to the Jim Dinning Legend ™ coronation ball just yet department:

According to the scuttlebutt surrounding the upcoming battle of the leadership titans, otherwise known as Alberta Idol, our buddy Jimbo Dinning just might have a little competition. Poor Jim has been salivating in exile lo these many years just waiting for Ralph to finally exit the scene. For years now the Jim Dinning succession has been a foregone conclusion but it looks as if Ted Morton (stands back and rubs eyes and shakes head), yes, I said Ted Morton might have pipped Jimbo for the lead. Morton has apparently struck a nerve with the party members that want a complete break from the Klein era, including a break from Jim Dinning who they see as a part of the old guard who has offered no new direction. Morton has promised that break and reinforces that message now that he has some feedback that it seems to be working. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a real race on our hands-Tory royalty vs. wingnut outsider! It might be an interesting first ballot at the leadership vote if Dinning can’t seal the deal. Where will the also-rans take their votes? Don’t put the cork back in the sherry bottle yet, Mother; it’s going to be a humdinger!

“Into the wild blue yonder” department:

This might be seen as a fitting tribute to our departing Premier. I noticed that the Alberta government is spending nearly $12 million to buy two new aircraft. What better way to remember our high-flying Ralph and his turboprop party buses than to upgrade the fleet by retiring his private airline along with the leader. The new King Airs will replace the older models Ralph has apparently worn out. I wonder who is in charge of disposing of the empty liquor bottles and vacuuming up the cigarette butts from the phased out fleet.

“More money than brains” department:

The lovely Iris Evans, our very own Health Minister revealed in late August that her department had spent about $200,000 of a million dollar propaganda campaign for her shelved health care reforms. She cited the need to be prepared to inform Albertans about the destruction reform of health care in the province. Not to worry, however, as the frugal Iris went on to say that the print material and television footage already shot will be used in future commercials. Thanks for taking care of that, Iris. I feel better already.

That’s all the news I saw fit to print this time around so have a happy Labour Day and enjoy those crisp autumn days before they turn to those even ****ing crisper winter days (sorry Vic).

2006-08-23T22:43:00.000-04:00

Tumbleweed of the Month
Green and Fold
This is a summer sports-themed edition of the Prairie Post so the Tumbleweed of the Month is from the world of sports. Two candidates rushed to the forefront; the Edmonton Eskimos and Floyd Landis for his alleged doping in the Tour de France.
Since this is Alberta and no one really cares about Floyd, I am going with the Eskimos as this month’s collective Tumbleweed.
At least I think they are the Edmonton Eskimos. The way they have played so far this season, I think somebody (probably from Calgary) has kidnapped the real team and replaced them with, ah, the Hamilton Tiger Cats’ training camp castoffs. The players wear the green and gold uniforms but they just don’t look like the Eskimos. After last year’s Grey Cup win the kidnapping thing has to be the explanation. How could the team go from heroes to zeroes so quickly otherwise?
The fact that this collection of players that purports to be the exalted football team, the Edmonton Eskimos, were impostors became fully apparent during their last two games in July especially during the fiasco that was the loss in the last second of the game to the Winnipeg Blue Bombers. In that game, it looked as if the Eskimos were about to deliver one of their patented come from behind thriller victories and send the fans home happy. But obviously the Blue Bombers got our copy of the script and Milt Stegall caught a pass deep in the Blue Bombers zone with literally no time left on the clock and ran the whole length of the field for a touchdown. Stunned doesn’t adequately describe the reaction of the Commonwealth Stadium faithful. Even Bryan Hall was nearly speechless. The Eskimos were assuming they had won instead of covering their assignments.
Next up was the Montreal Alouettes and the result was the same-another home loss. The Eskimos couldn’t score and they took dumb penalties. Despite the mea culpas in public, on the field it looks as if they just don’t care. If that is true, then they don’t deserve the honour of wearing the hallowed green and gold.
Predictably, most fans jumped on coach Danny Maciocia. Even though I don’t feel that he has been effective as Eskimos head coach, the players deserve most of the blame for the Esks basement dwelling.
For the life of me I never did buy the hype about Ricky Ray. Call me a heretic but the guy just has never impressed me. I thought Jason Maas was a more creative quarterback. Ray has good stats-between the 30 yard lines-but he can’t get the ball in the end zone consistently. The pass completion percentages look great until you realize they are mostly short yardage situations for downs and not touchdowns. The guy is too predictable and safe. He needs to shake up the defense with some imaginative play calling. So far, I haven’t seen any of that.
But let’s not have Ricky take the fall for the team alone. Undisciplined play by a few of the other members of the team has also cost the Eskimos dearly. In the game against the Alouettes, the Eskimos had a touchdown negated by a holding penalty. Pass interference let the Alouettes sustain a drive that led to a scoring play. Unfortunately this season, there are many more examples of just plain dumb mistakes at key times during games.
I don’t think the problem is a lack of talent. It’s attitude instead. Overall, position for position, this team should be as good as or better than any team in the league. Why can’t they score? Why can’t they make something happen, especially in the first half of games? It seems as if they wait to give the opposition a sporting chance and have been burned by their own hospitality.
Like I said, the basic mistakes of half-hearted tackling and taking unnecessary penalties are hurting the Eskimos big time. Players say they have confidence in their abilities; they say don’t worry it’s early in the season; they say things aren’t as bad as they look. Well guess what guys-they are as bad as they look. The optimistic, rose-coloured approach to this team’s glaring failures won’t cut it anymore. It’s time to do some serious soul searching and get to the bottom of why this team can’t seem to function as a unit. At this rate, the Eskimos might not even make the playoffs. Can you imagine that, missing the playoffs, in Edmonton?
You don’t win championships in the Canadian Football League by divine right even if you are the Edmonton Eskimos. The fans in Edmonton, for all sports not just football, demand the best from their teams in return for almost religious support. Until the current edition of the Edmonton Eskimos starts to demand the same of themselves, then the lackluster results will continue and the team deserves top be the Tumbleweed of the month for August. I don’t enjoy writing that believe me. The season is still salvageable but the team needs to turn things around now. If they don’t, and I don’t care how much talent they have as individuals, perhaps it’s time to bring in the people that will balance talent with the respect for what it means to wear the green and gold uniform of the Eskimos, the team.

2006-08-23T22:42:00.000-04:00

Fast Blast
We have well and truly arrived in the so-called “dog days” of summer, whatever the heck that means. Perhaps Fido gets his own summer festival in the city of summer festivals, Edmonton. At least “Dog Days” is better than “Capital Ex” the ghost of Klondike Days past. It’s all so 21st century don’t ya know? In reality, the term applies to long, hot, lazy days spent trying to keep cool and exerting as little physical or mental effort as we can get away with.
That’s why it was so nice to have the Champ Car World Series hit Big E for the second edition of the West Edmonton Mall Grand Prix of Edmonton Presented by the Brick. Say that ten times as fast as you can! Oh, and Finning Speedway became JAGFlo Speedway. It doesn’t trip as temptingly from the tongue as say, Brands Hatch or Monza but hey, we go for the action, not the name of the racetrack. Let’s just call it a concession to the commercial realities of modern professional racing.
As many of the regulars to this space realize, I love motorsport and one of my favourite forms of it has to be Champ Car, the premier form of racing in North America despite what those poseurs in Indianapolis and Daytona want you to believe. I spent three glorious days getting baked by the Alberta sun and soaking up the sights and the sounds of big league motorsports. And I wasn’t alone as the final attendance figures of 178,000 (down slightly from last year I suspect due to the heat and less novelty factor) for the weekend showed. If I recall correctly, it has become the second strongest venue on the schedule exceeded only by Toronto. It’s not a surprise since Albertans and Edmontonians in particular are not only some of the best sports fans anywhere but also some of the most demanding and knowledgeable. They want quality and when they see it they support that event tremendously. Just ask the Oilers or Eskimos (although lately the Eskimos have begun to abuse the privilege. More about that elsewhere).
A large measure of the success is due to the hardworking and enthusiastic organizers so I have to give a big shout out to them. This stop on the championship trail for the racers is rapidly becoming one of their favourites. The track itself is what is known as a driver’s track in that the driver gets to display his or her skills to the utmost. The high speeds not only on the straights but also the turns separates the real drivers from the pretenders.
The other half of the equation that results in a successful event is the promotion and amenities for the fans in attendance. A race with no fans is not that exciting. Are you listening Indy Racing League? Sorry, I couldn’t resist. I give kudos to the organizers that have made our corner of the racing world not just an event but a happening.
The race itself was fantastic with Justin Wilson getting a win for RuSport and avenging his disappointing near miss last year. He also helped turn around the season for his team after they must have second-guessed themselves a little seeing A. J. Allmendinger win three in a row on the heels of his dismissal from RuSport. Look for a strong second half of the season from these guys.
Fan favourite Paul Tracy had an okay race but faded after his initial promise. Paul doesn’t quite seem to have the old magic anymore and I think lately A. J. has gotten into his head a little bit. (Update: Just watched Paul pull off one of the most bone-headed moves of his career-he pulled directly in front of Alex Tagliani after an off course excursion in San Jose. Ouch! That was brutal and I’m a big fan of Paul’s. I hope he gets it together soon. I note that the pitlane fisticuffs made the highlight reels more than the racing. Leave it to the networks to get the priorities straight).
I love sports car racing as well as open wheel so I was just thinking how great it would be to see Canadian road racing ace Ron Fellows in the Corvette C6R race on our Edmonton track along with the Le Mans-winning Audi diesels and the rest of the group. Imagine how cool it would be to have an American Le Mans Series race here as well. The only drawback that I could foresee would be a dilution of the product if two separate race dates were on the calendar. Fans will shell out $200 plus for Champ Car but would they do it again for ALMS? I am not so sure but like I said, Edmonton has passionate fans so it could work.
The other solution would be to run both events on the same weekend. Then you get into the inescapable discussions of who gets top billing for the weekend but they have raced together before so I am sure it could be worked out. Wow! Wouldn’t that be an unbelievable weekend of racing? I can’t imagine it getting much better but I won’t hold my breath until it happens. Still . . .
I just wanted to use my little corner of cyberspace to thank everyone from the organizers, sponsors, volunteers, teams, and fans that made this year’s edition of the West Edmonton Mall Grand Prix of Edmonton Presented by the Brick such a huge success. I also want to especially thank Kevin Kalkoven, Gerry Forsythe, and Paul Gentilozzi for having the faith and vision to return Champ Car from near extinction to the top rung of North American motorsports. For a long-standing race fan like me, the event could not have been better. Is it too early to get my tickets for next year?

2006-08-23T22:40:00.000-04:00

Interview With a Race Fan
(As We Imagine It)
Summer is a time to be outdoors, seeing the sights, taking in the events, all the while swearing like a pig. But, hey, come January when it’s -30C, you’ll long for a couple of sticky, ah, armpits. I just recently took in the West Edmonton Mall Grand Prix of Edmonton Presented by the Brick at JAGFlo Speedway. For any of you that know my history with respect to the West Edmonton Mall and Bill Comrie will certainly appreciate how much pain went into writing that description down just now. Still (pauses to grit teeth) bygones should be bygones and all that. Besides, I am a racing fan first and foremost and if these (careful) ah, entities step up to support the sport here in Edmonton, well, let’s just say they have taken the first baby steps toward redemption in my eyes.
Okay, now that the begrudged hat tips are out of the way let me tell you what is in store for this month’s interview. Since it is summer and we have actually had some heat this year, I decided to offer a lighter fare and dispense with a political interview. Those clowns get enough space here the rest of the year. Besides, with the tiny Tories finally stepping out of the Ralph butt-kissing line to seek their own place in the sun as leader of the Alberta PCs, the dung heap of political verbiage will be deep and foul in the next few weeks so any chance we get to step outside into the fresh air will be most welcome. Let’s just say that this is my way of admitting that try as I might, nobody showed up for the interview this month.
I thought it might be interesting to just go up to random people over the race weekend and ask them, well, anything. Grab your sunscreen and your water bottle and let’s see what the sweaty multitudes have to say shall we?
Hey, may I have a word with you?
What do you want?
I’d just like to ask you a couple of questions.
What for? Are you doing a survey or something?
No, not really. I just wanted to ask you why you are here today at the Grand Prix.
Why do you think?
You like racing?
Yeah, that’s part of it. Look at me really closely. Who do I look like?
You certainly bear a passing resemblance to Paul Tracy.
That would be because I am Paul Tracy.
You did look strikingly familiar. I am so embarrassed because I am a racing fan. I should have known that. It’s just up close and personal, you look so much bigger than on television. You really do look like you I guess, a little bit, sort of, in this bright sun.
Take a guess now why I am here.
You’re here to race in the Champ Car World Series in the Forsythe Indeck #3 Lola Ford.
Wow, you really are on top of things! Yes indeed, give that man a prize. Now, if you will excuse me, I gotta go suit up.
Sure Paul. Thanks for taking time out to talk with us today.
Wow! How do you like that? First person we run into in our stroll through the crowd is a driver and not just any driver at that. Imagine. I got to talk to Paul Tracy. Damn. I didn’t get his autograph. Let’s see who else will talk to us.
Excuse me sir, may I have a few words with you?
How many’s a few?
Well, I don’t know exactly. I just want to ask you a couple of questions.
“'Spose it’s all right.
Fine. Are you a local race fan?
No.
Well then, where are you from?
I could be from New York City.
Ah, so you’re a New Yorker?
No, I said I could be but I ain’t.
Then my question is still the same. Where are you from?
Who wants to know?
Me. Look, I’m not a census taker or anything like that. My readers might find it interesting (but I doubt it).
Did you just mumble something? I’ll bust you in the head if you don’t act more polite.
I didn’t mumble anything. All I want to know is where you come from?
Ain’t you a little old to be askin’ them kind of questions? Didn’t your Pa ever take you aside and have a little chat a few years back?
You misunderstand. I know perfectly well where we all come from. What I want to know from you is where you live? What place are you from? Where do you call home? Get it?
Sure, sure, I call home a couple of times a week usually from a phone booth. That way they can’t trace the call if they’s lookin’ for money. What was them other questions?
Never mind. What are you doing here, anyway?
I came to see some racin’.
You must be a real racing fan. Whom do you like?
Junior. He’s my boy. He ain’t got the guts his old man had but he’s sure
got the smarts for racin’ especially on them superspeedways like Talladega.
Junior? Do you mean Dale Earnhardt Jr.?
Is there any other one?
No, I suppose not but you do know he’s not racing here, right?
Why not? Is he sick or something?
No, he races in NASCAR.
Any dang fool knows that!
No, what I mean is that this is not a NASCAR race. NASCAR doesn’t race here and besides this is a Champ Car race.
Champ Car? What in the sam hell is a champ car? Is that one of them foreign things?
It’s an open wheel racing car that races in the Champ Car World Series all over the world but mostly in North America.
Are you talkin’ about them funny lookin’ pointy little things that was zippin’ around while I was waitin’ for Dale Jr. to come out?
Yeah, but there not funny lookin’, I mean, looking. They’re 750 hp turbocharged racing cars.
I hate to break the news to ya buddy but they ain’t no racin’ cars. They got no doors. Hell, they look like one of them skateboard things that been hanging out with Barry Bonds too long.
They certainly are race cars. And besides, NASCAR race cars don’t have doors either.
You know about Barry Bonds?
I get yer ESP on the satellite.
Will wonders never cease? As I just said, NASCAR stock cars don’t have doors either.
But you’re ‘sposed to pretend they’s just like your Chevy or your Ford or your Dodge. They at least look like real cars is supposed to. Them little skateboards wouldn’t even have room for a six pack. Real race cars go around on an oval track like Daytona or Bristol and draft and bang fenders in the corners. Rubbin’s racin’!
These cars are road racing cars.
Well la te da! Them little sissy pants drivers are turnin’ every which way. Cain’t they find their way to the track? I nearly wet myself watchin’ them jump this way and that.
The drivers are racing on a road course. You know, like something akin to what you might find in everyday driving; turning right and left, braking, accelerating, and shifting.
That’s downright stupid. Why would I go watch somethin’ I could do everyday in my Chevy?
No, you don’t understand. The racing has elements of road driving, hence the name road racing, but these cars take that to performance extremes so getting around the course the fastest is the real challenge. Every turn and every braking maneuver is at the limits of the tires adhesion. The idea is to find that knife edge of performance that will make you the fastest without exceeding it and spinning into the barriers.
Is spinnin’into the bare-yers like hittin’ the wall?
Yes, it’s hitting the wall.
Yeeeeawwww! Now we’re talkin’! So when do we get to the real racin’?
The Champ Car guys (and girl) are out there on the track right now.
I mean the real racers, Dale Jr., Tony Stewart, and that wimp Gordon.
I told you this is not a NASCAR race. Those guys aren’t here.
Not here?
Not here.
What kind of crap is that? Arlene, this here guy says Dale Jr. ain’t going to be racin’ here.
I know that I will regret this but if you are a NASCAR fan, how in the world did you end up here in Edmonton at this race?
I ain’t rightly sure. I asked my lovely daughter Sue Ann to look up that Brick race in Indianapolis on the internets at school. She said she found what we was a lookin’ for so I said get us to that sumbitch. Ain’t technology wonderful? Well sir, I was a little put off when I first saw the track ‘cause them stands look so much bigger on television. But now you say the NASCAR boys ain’t racin’ here? Sue Ann’s real smart with computers. She told me the Brick race was on.
Okay, okay I think I see the problem.
What’s that?
Obviously she googled . . .
Watch yer mouth son! Little Sue Ann is only 19. She don’t know about none of that kinky stuff.
No, she must have searched “Brick” and “racing” on the internet. Instead of NASCAR’s Brickyard 400, she gave you the details for The West Edmonton Mall Grand Prix Presented by the Brick. The Brickyard 400 is the first weekend in August and is in Indianapolis.
This ain’t Indianapolis neither?
I’m afraid not. You are in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada.
Canada!
Yes sir.
I thought them highway patrol looked a little funny.
Those were probably Mounties.
I didn’t ask their religion. I just tried to stay out of their way. Ain’t they the ones that get married like 600 at a time? Must be a hell of a honeymoon! Ha ha, hell of a honeymoon-you catch that Arlene?
No, those are Moonies. I meant Mounties, the R. C. M. P., the Royal Canadian Mounted Police.
Don’t that beat all? Hey Arlene! We’s in Canada. Yeah, I know it’s too hot but the guy says we’re in Canada. How do we get to Indianapolis?
I think I have a road atlas in the car. I’ll show you but it’s about 2500 kilometers that way.
Whoa! It’s 2500 who-ameters?
Sorry, I meant to say about 1500 miles.
That’s better. Now you’re speakin’ English, son. Hey Mother, put the Bud back in the motorhome. We’re hittin’ the road. We’re a comin’, Dale; we’re a comin’ to watch some real racin’. Much obliged to you buddy for settin’ us straight there. They say you Canucks is friendly folk and I guess they might be right. You all have fun watchin’ yer little toy race cars. Bye bye.
Ah, good bye. I hope Bubba or whatever his name is has a safe trip. After that, I don’t think I have any interest in talking to any more fans. I’m going to find my seat and watch the race. See you next month. Go Paul, atta boy! Great pass!

2006-07-01T10:34:00.001-04:00

Tumbleweed of the Month
Pronger No Longer?

Okay you knew I couldn’t be left out of the great ink-spilling (pixels surely) debate over the fate of the Edmonton Oilers’ all-star defenseman Chris Pronger. As any past visitor here knows, I am a huge hockey fan (to be clear, not a fan of huge hockey nor am I a corpulent enthusiast). I love the game of hockey but I abhor all the garbage that surrounds the modern game. The lockout was particularly galling.

So imagine my joy last fall when the NHL cranked up again under the auspices of the “New NHL” and all the expectations of a new era in the annals of professional hockey dawned. The season was reasonably entertaining, more so toward the end of the season as the teams became more and more comfortable with the new rules and devised strategies that would take the maximum advantage of the new playing conditions.

Part of the promise of this new era was that teams like Edmonton, referred to as the “small market teams” could theoretically compete on more or less even terms with teams like the New York Rangers or Detroit Red Wings because of the salary cap. Initially I was skeptical but when the Oilers announced the signing of defenseman Chris Pronger from St. Louis and Michael Peca from the Islanders, I became a believer.

Although Peca’s contribution wasn’t as noticeable during the season, Pronger proved to be the all-star performer he had been with the Blues. Salvation was at hand and the Edmonton Oilers became a better team almost immediately. With the addition of Sergei Samsonov and the miracle find that was Duane Roloson, the Oilers made it (barely) into the Stanley Cup Playoffs. And unless you just got back from Mars, you know what happened after that, the superb run to game 7 of the final, only to be ousted by the Carolina Hurricanes. With this line-up, who could wait for next year? We’ll have a contender to take it all in 2006-2007.

Then came the Twilight Zone moment; Chris Pronger was not happy in Edmonton and wanted out. Whaaaat? This had to be a joke, right? The rumour would surely prove to be untrue. It had to be. Pronger had been the driving force, the guy who seemed to be always on the ice directing traffic and making the big defensive plays. He wasn’t happy?

Finally, the agent for Pronger confirmed Oilers’ fans worst nightmare. The rumours were indeed true and Chris Pronger, he of the 6.25 million dollar contract wanted to be traded because he wasn’t happy living in Edmonton. The cheers had barely died down in Winston Churchill Square when the news was confirmed. Oiler fans, whose adulation for Mr. Pronger was unbound, turned bitter in their shock and disbelief. And who could blame them? I thought this kind of crap was behind us. How could Chris Pronger accept the devotion and accolades all the while knowing he hated the city? He went from playoff hero to public enemy number one in Edmonton over the space of a few short hours. If Kevin Lowe does move him to another team, can you imagine the volume of the boo birds in Rexall Place next season? Mike Comrie will think he has been given the key to the city by comparison.

Hey, Edmonton may not be St. Louis but I have been to St. Louis and I’ll say Edmonton comes out far ahead on the place to raise a young family scale. Mrs. Pronger, from what I understand, is the real source of the dissatisfaction with Edmonton. It was nice of her to give the city such a long term evaluation. Not. Sweetie, you knew your husband might get traded when you married him. Jobs in hockey are not always secure in the same location. It’s not like your life is full of hardship or anything. I would think $6.25 million would cover a lot of homesickness. It’s not as if he had to go to work in the steel mills in Hamilton for God’s sake.

It’s an episode such as this that sours people on modern professional sports but let’s face it; we are all enablers. We let them get away with it. We flock to the stadiums and the arenas and pay the big ticket prices; we buy the caps, the jerseys and the tee shirts. We follow the teams on television and because of television, hockey and virtually all professional sports is big business. Make no mistake about it. You and I will never again see old time hockey when players played for the love of the game and not for the love of the contract.

I think that is why there was so much outrage in Edmonton over the news about Chris Pronger. For an all too brief few days, hockey purists began to believe that the old days were back again. Our hockey heroes fought through adversity and very nearly came away with the big prize. Chris Pronger’s “me first” announcement shattered that brief reverie. It was business as usual. So, for stomping on the collective hearts of Oiler hockey fans everywhere, Chris Pronger is this month’s Tumbleweed of the Month. If you don’t want to be here, Chris, let me say this; the moving van can’t get you out of town fast enough. Good riddance.

2006-07-01T10:34:00.000-04:00

Still Crazy After All These Years

Thank you, Paul Simon. Yes, as we kick off the 6th volume of the Prairie Post it’s hard to believe that we head into another year of irreverent and, hopefully, some entertaining commentary on people and events primarily with an Alberta focus. The great thing is, despite my tongue in cheek bleating, there is never a shortage of material that cries out to be lampooned and exposed. Personally, I am surprised the Alberta government and in particular the Alberta PCs haven’t claimed some sort of credit for the output here. After all, without the follies we are treated to every year from the dome by the High Level Bridge, this would actually seem like work.

I especially want to acknowledge the contributions of Ralph Klein over the years. He has been the source of a staggering amount of material for these pages. Ralph, thank you and I for one, will miss you greatly. Even in your retirement, please find a microphone or a reporter somewhere won’t you. This is going to be too hard to keep up if I go cold turkey.

I would also like to express my appreciation to Paul Martin, Stephen Harper, and Stockwell Day for their quirky foibles that I can caricature mercilessly. Keep it up guys. Although Paul Martin has faded into the sunset, Canada having Stockwell Day as Minister of Public Safety more than makes up for the loss. This is the guy whom we turn to in case of disaster or attack for leadership? Wow, you just can’t make this stuff up. In the inimitable words of Larry the Cable Guy, I don’t care who you are, that is funny stuff right there.

Here in Alberta, we look forward to the race to replace Ralph Klein as leader (and no doubt as Premier). Can you imagine the wealth of material that will be generated as each candidate tries to outdo the other in trying to confirm for the rest of us how dumb he is (or she is-sorry, Iris, didn’t mean to leave you out)? I can hardly wait for that! Mark Norris has already appeared here as well as the loveable but lose-lipped Lyle Oberg. And of course, we haven’t yet heard from what should be a one man article generator, the candidate who probably has a picture of Dick Cheney on his wall as inspiration, the always warm and wonderful Ted Morton. Don’t disappoint me, Ted. Get out there and get campaigning.

The acknowledged front runner, and putative leader, Jim Dinning Legend ™ will surely appear a number of times both before and after his coronation. Let’s face it, the rest of the gang are no-hopers and serve merely as comedy relief but as every movie fan knows, sometimes it’s the supporting cast that gets the best laughs.

And who could forget Shirley McClellan, Minister of Finance in Alberta where there is now so much money flooding in even she can’t screw it up despite her best efforts. I never did understand how Shirley got this job. It’s not as if she was an outstanding minister in her previous portfolios (See Disease-Mad Cow and inept reaction to). For some reason, Ralph chose her to test the Peter Principle and she proved it over and over again. Once Jim Dinning Legend ™ becomes Premier I suspect she will be dropped faster than Paris Hilton’s panties in the vicinity of a tabloid reporter.

Before I forget, let me give an honourable mention to Ty Lund, the current Minister of Infrastructure and Transportation. There is a pretty good chance that Ty can’t spell “infrastructure” let alone know what it is. He also inherited Lyle Oberg’s transportation gig when Lyle shot his mouth off a few months ago. Unfortunately his mouth was aimed at his foot.

There were other points over the last few years when I was worried. I admit that, at the time, I was afraid that once Bill Smith was ousted as mayor in Edmonton and my go to guy in the clutch during slow news months, the Prairie Post would struggle to come up with enough examples of political cupidity and stupidity every month to sustain itself. As it turned out, I didn’t need to worry. Ralph Klein and a host of others picked up the slack. Which brings us full circle. Thanks Ralph and good luck (by the way, the offer to write your biography still stands). This time I face the future confident in the knowledge the gaffes are out there and will just keep rolling along. Volume Six, here we come. It’s going to be a fun ride so join us again for another year, won’t you?

2006-07-01T10:32:00.000-04:00

Interview With Mark Norris
Mark Who?
(As We Imagine It)

Since King Ralph was unceremoniously told by his loyal troops to start heading for the exit sooner than later, the race for the leadership and, in Alberta, de facto job as Premier, the candidates to replace The Great Leader has finally begun in earnest. By all accounts, Jim Dinning Legend™ has the race all but locked up before most of the contestants have even found the starting blocks. Most of the other hopefuls such as Ed Stelmach or Lyle (here’s your hat, Ralph) Oberg have maintained somewhat of a profile in the public consciousness because they are part of the Tory caucus. Then there is Edmonton’s Mark Norris, one time boy wonder and Minister of Economic Development before the last provincial election when his constituents declined to return him to the dome. Thus has poor Mark become the forgotten man of Alberta politics, gamely trying to soldier on and see his dream of becoming the leader of the Alberta PCs become reality. Alas, Mark is more delusional than Roger Ebert at a Playboy Mansion party believing he’ll get lucky

At the Prairie Post, we like the underdog and when I read last week that Mark Norris was getting the Rodney Dangerfield treatment, and the fact that I am an Edmonton boy myself, I decided to help the guy out by featuring him in our interview this month. So let’s get started shall we? Mark Norris, welcome to the famous Naugahyde chair.

A. Thank you for this opportunity. I like your garage.
Q. You are most welcome and it’s not a garage. It’s the Prairie Post studio. There have been some great butts, many of them alive that have graced this garage, er, studio and that chair.
A. I hope that you count me among the living.
Q. Yes, of course. Although lately, I read a news report that your campaign to succeed Ralph Klein as the leader of the Alberta PCs has had trouble gaining traction, that you can’t get any attention. How do you react to that?
A. Well, I think the report is a bit of an exaggeration. My campaign is going very well and I think the message is playing very well with Albertans generally.
Q. Sorry what was that? I was a bit distracted for a second.
A. I am pleased with the campaign so far. Albertans really seem to be embracing my message.
Q. I never noticed it before but here in the Prairie Post interview studio, if you stare at those chips in the drywall, they look like profiles of people. I see Lenin, Jerry Lewis, and one that looks almost like George Burns, well, without the glasses anyway. See?
A. Ah, I don’t see anything.
Q. Look, right there just above the snow blower handle.
A. Sorry, I don’t see George Burns.
Q. No matter. I just thought it was kind of neat you know like when you were a kid and stared up at the sky and the clouds seemed to make all sorts of pictures like bunnies and faces.
A. Yeah, I did that as a kid too.
Q. Sorry, I got a little carried away there. Where were we?
A. You were asking me about my campaign.
Q. Right. As I said in the introduction, I read last week that your campaign had trouble getting recognition. The reporter said you were the Rodney Dangerfield of the leadership candidates in that you didn’t get any respect. That’s pretty brutal. How do you react to that?
A. Well, as I said, I believe that Albertans . . .
Q. Hang on for a second there, will ya? Did I leave the iron on? I thought I unplugged it when I finished ironing this shirt. Usually I don’t have this problem because I normally get permanent press shirts and if you take them out of the drier at just the right time and hang them up immediately, they’re just fine. Sorry, you were saying?
A. I believe that Albertans . . .
Q. Last time I’ll buy a cotton shirt like this one. See how the collar rolls up at the back here and that’s after ironing.
A. Excuse me.
Q. Go ahead. Albertans believe what?
A. Albertans believe that . . .
Q. Sorry, hold that thought. Let me just run up to the house and check on that iron. It won’t take a second.
A. Ah, okay.
Q. See. I’m back already. Please continue.
A. Fine. As I started to say, Albertans believe that my campaign has some important new . . .
Q. I hate to butt in here, Mark, but as somebody, a fellow Edmontonian and all, who really wants to see you succeed in your run at the leadership, let me offer you some constructive criticism and please don’t take it in the wrong way. I am just trying to help.
A. No problem. I am always open to suggestions.
Q. The most blatant thing I notice is that you tend to repeat yourself. I have a page full of questions here and we’re still talking about the negative press about your lack of impact with Albertans. You need to get your message out. Just answer the questions succinctly. Oh and here is a biggie. You need to complete your thoughts. Quit jumping around from topic to topic without finishing your point.
A. I was trying to . . .
Q. Look, I was just trying to help. After all, you don’t want to go through the entire leadership campaign as Mark “Snorris” do you?
A. No, of course not. It’s only that I wanted to . . .
Q. I think we pretty much covered that aspect. Let’s move on, shall we?
A. But . . .
Q. Great. I actually did some research in preparation for today’s interview and I wanted to ask you a few questions about your background. Is that okay?
A. Certainly.
Q. First of all, I see that you were born in Edmonton.
A. Yes, I . . .
Q. I was born in Edmonton as well. This is a really great city. It’s just about the perfect size isn’t it?
A. Well, I . . .
Q. And it’s so culturally aware. The Folk Festival and the Fringe are world class events. Our sports teams are champions and the scenery of the river valley is truly magnificent.
A. I agree and would like to . . .
Q. Being from Edmonton as you are, can we, as Edmontonians, expect to be better served by the Alberta Tory caucus than has been the case in the past?
A. That’s something that I . . .
Q. Because for years now, Calgary has seemed to be the hub of Alberta political clout. Obviously, with Ralph Klein from Calgary, that was not unexpected. And now we have the acknowledged front runner, Jim Dinning Legend™, also from Calgary. Tell us if you will, what Mark Norris is going to do to counter the juggernaut that is the Jim Dinning Legend™ campaign and shift that clout north to Edmonton?
A. First of all, I want to . . .
Q. Hang on. I think I heard my cell phone ringing. Where did I leave it? It must be around here somewhere because I can definitely hear it. Do you hear it?
A. Yes I can . . .
Q. Actually, I think it sounds like it is over there by you somewhere. Just stand up for a moment could you?
A. Alright I guess I will . . .
Q. Aha! There it is right under the old Naugahyde cushion on your chair. It must have fallen out of my shirt pocket when I bent over to vacuum the chair before you got here. Hello! Uh huh. Uh huh. Maybe later. That sounds good to me as long as it is after seven. Uh Huh. No, I can’t before that. I’m busy. Because. Can I call you later? I’m busy. I’m interviewing Mark Norris. You know, Mark Norris, one of the leadership hopefuls. Norris, N-O-R-R-I-S. He used to be in the Alberta cabinet and he is running to replace Ralph Klein. Personally, I don’t think he’s going to make it. The guy won’t answer any questions. Yeah, you’re right about that. It did work for Ralph. I can’t speak any louder because the guy is right here. Please, I’ll call you as soon as I’m finished here. It should be soon. Man he’s oring-bay, if you know what I mean. Yeah, reservations for any time after seven. Right. ‘Bye.
Sorry about that. Some lovely young lady says her life won’t be complete unless I have dinner with her tonight. What can I do? I can’t have the potential wayward and dissipated life of a young woman on my conscience can I? After all, if there is any dissipating to do, I’ll be the one to do it. Now, I’ve lost complete track of where we were. Just give me a little mental nudge.
A. We were talking about the political power being centred in . . .
Q. You know I really feel like Chinese tonight. Do you like Chinese food?
A. Well, I . . .
Q. My favourite are the egg rolls. I just love them smothered in that fake plum sauce. Did you know that the plum sauce thing seems to be only a regular deal here in Canada?
A. No, I . . .
Q. ‘Cause I spend a lot of time in the United States, Florida especially, and I think that every time I have had Chinese food there, it was served without plum sauce. Isn’t that strange?
A. I can’t say that I have ever . . .
Q. You know I never realized that before. I wonder why?
A. I’m sure that . . .
Q. I’ll have to ask the next time I’m down there. Maybe plum sauce is a unique regional thing. Sorry, you were saying?
A. I can’t remember what . . .
Q. Now I can’t get Chinese food out of my mind. Let me just call and see if she would like Chinese food as well tonight. Excuse me. Hi! I was just sitting here and was suddenly overcome with an intense craving for Chinese food. You too? Okay great. Yeah, anytime after seven, right. Egg rolls here I come. Yummy, yummy, yummy. See you later. Thanks. What? No, not now. No! I’m interviewing that Norris guy. No! Come on. Okay, but just a quiet one. Kiss, kiss. I’ll see you tonight. ‘Bye.
Sorry about that. She’s crazy about me.
A. Ahem, that’s quite alright.
Q. Let’s get back to business shall we?
A. Okay.
Q. I see by your web page that your slogan for this leadership campaign is “Real Passion. Real Plan.” Could you please tell me what you mean by that?
A. Certainly. I am glad you . . .
Q. Have you been following the World Cup?
A. Ah, no.
Q. Great stuff. I’ve got to pick Brazil this time around. They just have the skill and the style. I really like their style. Argentina has a shot and maybe Italy but I don’t like Germany’s chances. It’s a shame because it would really be a fairy tale outcome if the Germans could win the whole thing at home but I just don’t see it happening. Who’s your pick?
A. Like I said, I haven’t . . .
Q. Soccer isn’t your thing, huh? How about hockey?
A. Yeah, sure, I like . . .
Q. The Oilers really had a run didn’t they?
A. They . . .
Q. I thought they were going to come home with Stanley’s mug one more time and wouldn’t that have been a story?
A. It certainly . . .
Q. But then this whole Pronger thing has overshadowed the team’s playoff heroics. It’s really a shame that Chris Pronger’s desire to leave Edmonton may end up as the story that is most remembered from this year’s playoffs, at least here in Edmonton.
A. I don’t think . . .
Q. And what about the “new” NHL? I admit I was skeptical in the beginning about the new rules, etc. but I became a believer over the course of the Stanley Cup playoffs. The new style of play resulted in one of the most exciting playoffs in years in my opinion. Don’t you agree?
A. I agree that . . .
Q. The new rules let the skilled players show off those skills and I think that is ultimately good for the game long term. I had a little issue with the consistency of the referees but that seems to be a perennial complaint, no matter what the rules are. What about you?
A. I really thought . . .
Q. The eastern bias on the CBC coverage was very evident I thought. And Bob Cole, God love him, is past it. Just let him retire gracefully and bring back Chris Cuthbert. That’s all I am going to say on that. Now, Mark, I call you Mark because I really think we have connected here today, finish elaborating on your so-called plan.
A. With pleasure, I see . . .
Q. Look at that will you. The interview has just flown by today and I see our time is up. I want to thank you for coming here today.
A. Thanks for . . .
Q. Yes indeed, it was a real pleasure and I wish you luck in your leadership quest. I’m just happy I could help you get your message out to Albertans through this forum and put paid to the perception you get no respect. Thanks again and good-bye.
A. Thanks and I would like . . .
Q. Great guy that Mark Norris. It was truly a pleasure to have him here. He just needs to work on his inability to clearly outline his position. I found he has a tendency to wander from subject to subject without finishing his thought. However, with more experience and practice in the campaign, I’m positive that Albertans will take his message to heart. Thanks to all of you for reading and please come back next month for another scintillating interview as has become the standard here at the Prairie Post.

2006-06-04T10:43:00.000-04:00

Tumbleweed of the Month
Bobby, You’ve Got Some Splane-n’ To Do!

I was perusing some of the local media a couple of weeks back and a tiny item of business news caught my eye. There, in seven short paragraphs, was the proof that the forces of evil are still at the helm of the Alberta Treasury Branches, er, sorry, ATB Financial. Every time I see that boutique corporate newspeak I keep thinking that you can dress it up and put lipstick on it but when all is said and done, a pig is still a pig.
Shirley McClellan gushingly announced that Robert Splane was approved by Order in Council as the new chair of ATB Financial’s board of directors. But why should I expend any creative energy describing Mr. Splane’s qualifications for his exalted new position when the lovely Ms. McClellan out it so eloquently in her announcement. “I am delighted to announce Mr. Splane’s appointment. He brings a wealth of experience to his new role, including nationally recognized board governance expertise and a strong lending and insurance background.” Uh huh.
Let’s examine Mr. Splane’s “experience” shall we? His most recent post was the Chair of the Agricultural Financial Services Corporation. There are some insiders who know that his real job was to, how shall I say it, screw farmers out of there program entitlements and support programs. Many farmers found the hoops that they had to jump through just to access these programs so onerous, they just gave up. You’re doing a heckuva job, Splanie!
The guy is just not a business man. He’s a bureaucrat, pure and simple, with less emphasis on the pure and much more on the simple. Politicians are his kind of people and he would protect a politician to the end or the cheque cleared, whichever came first.
Lest we forget, Mr. Splane was also president of the infamous Canadian Commercial Bank or CCB which failed. He was also president of the Alberta Bank which also failed and was absorbed into Canadian Western Bank. This just added to Bob’s stellar resume that made him perfect for the Klein government. Incredibly, instead of being shown the door for his mismanagement, he was put on CWB’s board, presumably because he knew where some high profile bodies were buried. Not a bad gig for a guy that was accused of playing fast and loose with the money from little old ladies’ trust funds, eh? Who said crime doesn’t pay?
The other thing I find interesting about this appointment is the timing. It comes just weeks after the Alberta Torys showed Ralph Klein the “Exit” sign and pointed him in the direction of the door with a firm shove to get him moving. Ralph expected his love-in to continue for another couple of years and I think the long range planning on his behalf by Peter Elzinga got disrupted by the accelerated timetable. There had to be a new, more desperate action plan to make sure that once Ralph was no longer on the scene, embarrassing details about the Treasury Branch could still be kept under wraps. This appointment of Bob Splane is nothing more than damage control, folks. Along with the odious Bill 22, it’s an attempt to close the shop once the proprietor heads to his fishing lodge. Oh, and have I mentioned that Bob Splane is also a friend of the Premier’s new Chief of Staff, Peter Kruselnicki, whose exploits have been well-documented in this little corner of the world wide web? It’s also interesting to note that Splane’s fellow ATB board member, Al O’Brien, himself well-acquainted with the past indiscretions of the ATB, was once his boss in the Provincial Treasure’s office. The more the interrelationships are examined, the more you realize the motto of the ATB should really be “Keep thy ass well and truly covered.”
As the ATB has expressed a desire to move more strongly into the insurance field, will it finally get the attention it deserves from the actual chartered banks and will it finally be exposed as the illegal entity it is? Its mandate from 1938 has been to provide financial services to Albertans that would otherwise not be served by the commercial banks. It does not have a banking charter and as such operates outside the Bank Act. The ATB has withstood a few court tests (including mine) with a kind of a wink and a nod rationale. Now that it corporate customers like RONA and Maple Leaf Foods, it has clearly stepped outside the bounds of its original mandate and has become a regular commercial bank but operating outside the Bank Act and outside Alberta. Bob Splane’s experience in the insurance field is also another reason for his appointment, a secondary benefit if you will. Once the ATB begins to compete with banks over the full range of financial services nationally and internationally, will the powerful banking industry finally lobby the federal government to take action against the Alberta Government’s illegal bank? That would be a dust-up you could sell tickets for.
In our newest TWOTM, Ralph and the two Peters have found a pliant individual to help keep a lid on the embarrassing revelations that might come out once Ralph retires. Bob, please take a bow as this month’s Tumbleweed, for your outstanding service in maintaining the status quo and ensuring that Ralph’s retirement is a quiet and happy one.
And if you happen to be a widow with your trust fund in the ATB, be afraid, be very afraid.

2006-06-04T10:41:00.000-04:00

Editorials
Oh Yeah Equalize This!

In what may be his last act of defiance, bravado, or just plan stupidity before his departure as Premier, Ralph Klein recently threatened to pull out of the federal equalization program so that the other provinces won’t benefit from Alberta’s oil and gas windfall.
There is a Premier’s Conference scheduled to take place this month and the other provincial leader stare longingly at Alberta’s balance sheet and wonder how they can get a piece of the petroleum royalty pie. What they would like is for Ottawa to include the revenues that Alberta gets from oil and gas royalties to be included in the calculation that the federal government uses to decide how much cash Ottawa doles out to each province.
Our valiant Premier contends that this is a constitutional issue and one that he is prepared to go to the mat over. In fact, Premier Klein has threatened to have Alberta leave the equalization program completely.
Aside from the fact that such threats won’t endear him to the rest of his fellow premiers, the threat is mostly a lot of hot air just like the whole healthcare bluster of years past. Ralph makes it sound as if we’ll just stop writing the cheques to Ottawa to distribute as it sees fit but that is not the way it works.
In actual fact, the revenues that are earmarked for distribution back to the provinces don’t come from the provinces current accounts as it were. The payments come out of federal revenue made up in large part from the monies received from your individual act of patriotism every April 30th. Because of that, Alberta has no control on its own to take Alberta’s share out of that pool of funds. Pulling out of the program will make not a whit of difference in the distribution of equalization.
He can influence the formula on how the calculations are made which would affect how much each individual province receives or contributes but unless the other provinces agree to the new formula, even that is highly unlikely.
The situation is not as threatening or as dire as Klein would like you to believe. The other provinces realize that even though they might covet the resource wealth of Alberta, it would set a dangerous precedent to include resource revenue in the calculation of equalization payments. Atlantic Canada has a burgeoning oil and gas industry of its own as does Newfoundland albeit somewhat further in the future. I seriously doubt these long time have not provinces would be willing to sell off their future for relatively small current gains. It’s not in their best interest. Similarly, Ontario and Quebec are also not likely to want their mining and industrial revenue included in any new formula despite their expressed desire to include resource revenue. The old saying what goes around comes around applies to them. Self-interest alone will dictate that these revenues will never be included in equalization calculations.
Even though Alberta is a net contributor to the program to the tune of $12 billion consider the alternative. If you think it would be better to be on the receiving end of such payments then think again. Such a scenario would mean that Alberta’s economy was in such bad shape that the only way we could pay for needed goods and services would be to rely on equalization. I think you would agree that the present situation with a booming economy and citizens employed in high-paying, tax-generating jobs is much more desirable.
So on first look and with these facts in mind; Ralph’s little fit of pique against equalization is at best, irrational. But Ralph knows his time as the doyen among the premiers is rapidly coming to an end. What better way to let people know you still have some teeth left than to snap at Ottawa? That always plays well with the home folks. Besides, considering his time as Premier, Ralph should know how things work better than anybody. As Shakespeare said, it’s much sound and fury signifying nothing. Ralph did it for political points. It certainly did not help his case and in fact, by drawing more attention to Alberta’s massive oil and gas revenues, may have even hurt it. Perhaps the best thing Ralph Klein could do before he leaves office is to sit down and shut up. That would be a new experience for him and who knows, he might even enjoy it.

2006-06-04T10:39:00.000-04:00

Interview With, Well, You’ll See
(As We Imagine It)

Does anybody still read the Reader’s Digest? When I was a kid, my family had a subscription to the magazine and I always loved the wide range of subjects it covered. There were also jokes, if you could call them that, and an attempt to give the average Canadian a worldly command of the English language in “It Pays to Increase Your Word Power.” But for me, the most interesting articles were about various body parts and organs and their functions.
In the 1960s and early 70s (I think), these articles were written from the perspective of the organ itself, usually happily residing in the body of some schmuck named Joe and were somewhat mundanely titled “I Am Joe’s Liver” or “I Am Joe’s Stomach.”. The articles were written in the first person and each body part told you how important they were and hoe much better your body was for having them. Along the way, you inadvertently learned the inner workings of your inner workings without so much of a hint of having to study biology.
Anyway, like I said, these articles left a lasting impression on me although not enough for me to take up medicine or anything, a fact which you can be profoundly grateful for. I thought it might be fun to try to recreate such an article and so what follows is my humble attempt to do just that.
I Am Ralph’s Brain

I am that wrinkled gray mass that rests inside Ralph’s skull. Some people say that I don’t really exist but I am here to assure you that I do. I have a very tender exterior and would be severely damaged throughout my life if it were not for this skull. Unfortunately my protector is extremely thick and I receive very little stimulus from the world beyond. As a result, I live in almost complete isolation and operate in almost complete oblivion to anything but my own existence.
I weigh less than the normal brain weight of about 1.5 kg and I should really exercise more to build myself up. For Ralph to live, I must do my basic duties of governing the various parts of Ralph’s body. I expend the most energy of any part of Ralph’s body but fortunately, in his case, that is not much, so I generate less heat than the average brain. Thus overheating and damage is not a problem in Ralph’s case as I have very little to damage. For most brains, this is very easy stuff but Ralph seems to have been blessed with extraordinarily rebellious organs.
The heart has no business being called that. I am constantly telling it to wake up and express some feeling for Ralph’s surroundings but it just shrugs and pumps only enough blood to allow Ralph to move around. It is so lazy; it requires only the bare minimum of input from me to keep it running. The only time I seem able to rouse it to excitement is when I advise the various parts of Ralph’s anatomy that we are approaching a Caribbean poker table or when he meets with somebody called Polo or something like that. Then it is all I can do to contain the heart from jumping right out of Ralph’s body.
Then I know I must be on alert to send the proper signals to Ralph’s liver and kidneys. Even though my contact to outside stimulation is limited, over time I have learned to recognize the times when the liver and kidneys will be called upon to work extra hard. At times, I feel truly sorry for them because they, of all Ralph’s organs, have the toughest job of all. They have to deal with a sudden and large influx of alcohol and other pollutants on a regular basis so it seems as if they never really get the chance to just relax and be themselves. They have come to depend on me to give them early warning of this alcohol flow and without me, they would become quickly overwhelmed.
Ralph’s lungs, too, must be alerted as very quickly the quantity of air they ingest will be severely compromised. They brace themselves for a smoky, smelly attack that is soon to come. Lungs and pulmonary arteries struggle against near paralysis and a residue that settles in and on them making it very difficult to function normally. I try my best in such emergency situations by triggering the cough response to try to expel the unwanted invaders but even so, enough gets through to weaken their performance. Then I have to turn on the nerve endings in the throat to produce a stinging, burning sensation to encourage Ralph to limit any further intake.
These are some of the most critical times for me as it seems everything is happening at once. Even though they wouldn’t admit it and definitely don’t like it, I have the responsibility for the other organs welfare and I take that responsibility seriously. Sometimes in order to help them out, I am called on to force Ralph to take a break from overtaxing his organs. When I sense that the liver and kidneys and even the stomach has reached the point of exhaustion, I must remember to tell the heart to slow the blood flow and I send the blood vessels signals to restrict around me so Ralph gets a blinding headache. Then he realizes he has overdone it again and my fellow organs can get the rest they so richly deserve.
At other times, signals from the eyes and ears let me know that Ralph is taking part in something I recognize as Question Period or an activity when Ralph encounters other bodies that are classified as reporters I recognize from my limited memory. During those times, I have to send urgent messages to the eyes and especially the ears to disregard anything they see or hear. On occasion, some of those signals from the outside stimulus are more intense and I must react instantaneously. Even the heart must be spurred on to pump the necessary blood to be able to allow the arms to flail away or to pick up a copy of Hansard to throw violently. The blood vessels must be alerted to carry more blood and Ralph’s face gets flushed and I send impulses to his vocal cords and tongue to vibrate violently. Sometimes at this stage, they ignore me completely and decide operate independently without my control. At that point, I can no longer protect Ralph from these body parts and he must suffer the consequences. I have tried many times to lecture the tongue on the fact that I have final control but like other parts of Ralph’s body, it likes to think it runs itself. What is a brain to do?
I don’t want to give you the impression that I am overworked by these periods of high activity. Fortunately these periods are infrequent and Ralph is not a curious individual so I have lots of down time that allows me to recover from such episodes. Many brains are not so lucky and are constantly called upon to exercise that other part of them that gives their bodies cognitive minds. They are burdened with imagination, memory, reasoning, and all those other higher functions that take so much energy. I don’t have to worry about any of that intruding on my down time. I even look forward to these rare bursts of activity to break up my day. There are many days I don’t get to think at all so I guess in that respect, I have life relatively easy. I can’t imagine (no pun intended) being required to ponder abstract ideas and formulate long term strategies. I just don’t know how other brains manage it. I suppose I truly am blessed to reside in an individual like Ralph. There are a lot of days off. Still, it would be a nice change of pace on occasion.
During those slack times, in order to entertain myself, I send random signals to the mouth, tongue, and vocal cords so they make unintelligible noises that are disguised act like real speech. Other brains are distracted by these random messages and cause their own bodies to shake their heads and roll their eyes. Sometimes I do this for days on end and I admit to a certain guilty pleasure in seeing just how long I can keep the nonsense going. If I had the capacity to laugh on my own, I surely would do so.
So you see being Ralph’s Brain is somewhat unique. I suspect that once Ralph’s organs all cease to function and I have even less to do than at present, science will take the time to recognize my contribution to the state of many other bodies throughout Alberta. I hope you have learned something today although for me, I can’t recall having such an experience as learning. I actually think I am getting a bit flabby from lack of use. Tell me, does my frontal lobe look underdeveloped to you? Seriously, does it?

2006-05-22T19:47:00.000-04:00

Interview with a Polar Bear

No, I am Not Kidding
The other day I was perusing the various news sites on the internet in an effort to keep abreast of the latest happenings and trends so that I can bring you this scintillating capsule of entertainment and enlightenment otherwise known as the Prairie Post. Okay, well I think it’s entertaining and enlightening wise guy! Anyway, like I said, I was reading these various snippets of news when one that was particularly alarming caught my eye. It seems that if the current trend continues with the Arctic Sea melting at a rate of 9% per decade due to global warming then the magnificent polar bear could actually become extinct within the next hundred years. I love polar bears (though I wouldn’t care to meet one face to face in the wild ordinarily) and happen to think that they are one of the truly majestic creatures on this earth of ours. It would be sad indeed to think that future generations would be deprived of the sight of such a beautiful animal. Not only that but what would Coca-Cola do without them?
This potential disaster disturbs me greatly but just think how such a situation must affect the polar bears themselves. And then the idea hit me. Why not interview a polar bear and get its reaction to the shocking environmental news. So without regard for the limited Prairie Post travel budget, I ventured north to Churchill, Manitoba in search of a polar bear’s reaction to these reports of their potential demise.
It took me a few days to find a bear that was willing to talk on the record while at the same time not wanting to eat me but I persevered and final found an individual polar bear that was a little more outgoing than most of his species. Our conversation follows.
Q. Thanks for agreeing to talk with me today.
A. Sure, no problem.
Q. Should I call you Nanook?
A. No, that would be like me calling you human. My name’s Fred. Call me Fred.
Q. Fred?
A. You got it.
Q. Isn’t that unusual for a bear to be called Fred?
A. No, not in my family. I do have a cousin called Ursus but that’s just plain weird don’t you think?
Q. Yeah, I guess so. One of the things I am concerned about before I get into the main part of the interview is whether or not you have eaten lately. I mean I don’t want you to get hungry right in the middle of this interview and start snacking on me.
A. Look don’t worry about it. I had a little seal snack pack before I came to meet you today so that should hold me over for a while. Besides, I really don’t like the taste of humans all that much. Plus most of the ones I’ve tasted have that gamey taste if you know what I mean.
Q. Well, that’s certainly good to know. I think I can be a little more relaxed as I ask you some questions today.
A. Good, good, glad to hear it.
Q. Let me get right to it then.
A. Shoot. You understand that’s just a figure of speech, right? Most bears don’t use that expression because it has a negative connotation for them.
Q. I understand completely and please don’t worry. I didn’t take you literally.
A. Glad to hear it. What was it that you wanted to ask me about?
Q. A few days ago I read a report, I think it was on the BBC web site that stated that due to the effects of global warming, the Arctic Sea would continue to melt at the rate of 9% per decade and that within a hundred years polar bears would be extinct.
A. Whoaaa! You’re kidding me right?
Q. Let me check here on my laptop. No, there it is. There is the article I was talking about.
A. Can I see that?
Q. Sure.
A. Could you scroll down for me, please? They just don’t make those buttons to be paws accessible.
Q. There you go. See what I mean?
A. I would say it probable is true unfortunately. It’s on the BBC web site for pete’s sake. If it was on Fox News then I would say there could be some doubt about the accuracy of it. Foxes are sneaky creatures with a penchant for lying. In fact, I knew this Arctic fox once who . . .
Q. I am sure that is an interesting story that I would like to hear another time but I really want to hear your reaction to this story.
A. Oh, right, okay. It concerns me somewhat I must say.
Q. Your whole species could be wiped out and it just concerns you? I thought you would be really hopping mad.
A. No, that would be the hares. We’re much bigger. Sounds similar but no that is not us. Of course it’s worrisome. I can’t say that it isn’t. But if you notice in the article, it says that wild polar bears may become extinct. It doesn’t say anything about bears in captivity.
Q. So you wouldn’t be upset if the only polar bears in existence were to be found in zoos throughout the world?
A. Don’t get me wrong. I love the wide open spaces up here where you can come and go as you please. If you don’t like the ice floe you’re on you can just find another somewhere else. There’s no question that it is an attractive lifestyle. If I had my druthers, sure, I’d want to stay a viable species up here. But sometimes the march of history and progress overtakes you and you have to adapt. If you don’t, you die. I mean look what happened to the dodo bird. They’re all gone aren’t they?
Q. Uh, yeah.
A. They wouldn’t adapt. Animals tell stories about how stubborn they were and how they wouldn’t learn how to fly or disguise themselves. You humans discovered how easy they were to kill back in the 17th century with your guns and blammo, they were done. With a little forward thinking there would be oodles of dodo birds around today. Am I making sense to you?
Q. Yeah but one thing occurs to me.
A. What’s that?
Q. Do you blame humans for your potential extinction and the extinction of species like the dodo bird? If I was you I would harbour quite a grudge toward us humans.
A. I see where you are going with this, the humans exploiting nature thing. Believe it not, I envy you.
Q. You envy us?
A. Certainly. It’s the luck of the draw.
Q. Huh?
A. It’s the luck of the draw. You guys got the opposable thumbs and learned how to make tools and weapons in order to make your lives easier. I can’t think of an animal of my acquaintance that wouldn’t give their right leg or wing for a more efficient way to kill things to feed their families. I say good on ya.
Q. That brings up an interesting question. Currently we humans are debating whether Darwin’s Theory of Evolution or Creationism, you know intelligent design, is responsible for the diversity of species on this planet. What’s your take on that contentious issue?
A. For us in the animal kingdom, it’s not contentious at all.
Q. It’s not?
A. Nope. Darwin was right. Of course he had to be right. You don’t think he thought that up on his own do you?
Q. Well, I am not sure whether he did or didn’t. I know he studied various species extensively and observed how they adapted to their particular environments.
A. That’s how Darwin wrote about it. He wanted to build himself up a little bit and make himself appear like a big man in the scientific community and who can blame him? Everyone likes to gild their achievements somewhat. It’s what you guys call human nature, right?
Q. I guess, yeah. So you are saying that’s not how Darwin derived his theory?
A. I’ll give the guy some credit; I mean after all, he was out there in the sun for days and weeks at a time on the Galapagos Islands studying the animals. I don’t want to diminish that but in truth, the tortoises were in tight with him and told him that was the real deal. That’s the way it happened, I kid you not. The tortoises had no need for publicity. What the hell do they care? They just thought it would be nice to help the old guy out since he spent so much time watching them and all. The lizards were against telling him at first but after a while they came around too. Lizards are always thinking they are more important than they are. After all, they’re cold-blooded. What more do you need to say? Since that gecko started to sell insurance you can’t talk to them.
Q. That’s an incredible story.
A. No, not really. Ask any animal. They’ll all tell you the same thing.
Q. I wouldn’t have thought you would meet any lizards up here.
A. I don’t know any lizards personally you understand only by reputation and what comes through the grapevine as it were.
Q. Not a lot of grapevines around here either. Anyway, we kind of went off on a tangent there didn’t we? What I was really curious about was your relative lack of concern about the forecast possible extinction of your species in the next hundred years.
A. It’s all a matter of perspective. Sure you can sit back, chew on a seal flipper and wail about your fate but that’s not going to help is it?
Q. I suppose not.
A. Of course it isn’t. No, one has to adapt to the times.
Q. What do you mean?
A. As I pointed out, they said that animals in the wild would become extinct. There’ll be plenty of us around in zoos.
Q. You’ve got to be kidding. You could trade all of these magnificent vistas of ice and water for a zoo?
A. Hey, I didn’t say it would be ideal. All I am saying is that faced with the alternative, it won’t be so bad. I had a brother who ended up in the San Diego Zoo and he said it was okay. Basically you just lie around all day, let the customers look at you, and get fed. I’ve heard of worse things.
Q. But what about your loss of freedom to roam whenever and wherever you want as the lord of the wild up here in the Arctic?
A. Okay, there are a few drawbacks but like I said, when faced with the alternative what are you going to do? Let me be honest with you. There have been times when I have been freezing my ass off up here in the winter even with all this thick hide and fur. And there have been weeks that have gone by when I didn’t get a square meal because I couldn’t find a seal or catch some fish. It’s at times like that you think 80 degrees and lounging in the sun while getting fed regularly without doing any work would look pretty good.
Q. I guess I see your point.
A. Sure, what the hell. I’m not getting any younger and the seals aren’t as easy to catch as they once were. The new generation is a lot smarter. So if I can use your web site to make a little personal ad . . .
Q. We don’t really have advertising.
A. I understand but I just wanted to get the word out that if there are any zoos looking for a polar bear then I am available. I’m usually in Churchill a couple of times a month so look me up.
Q. I hope somebody takes you up on that offer. It just seems so beautiful here I can’t imagine you would want to leave it.
A. Appearances can be deceiving and life is never as easy as it looks. Those people at National Geographic are mostly responsible for selling that false impression but I guess they have a magazine to sell so whatever. Hold on will you? I spotted a fish under the ice there. Ah ha, got you! Wow, that’s a beauty and mmmm, delicious. Want some?
Q. No thanks. It’s getting a little chilly and I think I got what I came for. So, thank you and I’ll let you eat in peace and enjoy unspoiled nature for as long as it lasts.
A. Okay, it was great taking with you. I haven’t enjoyed a human as much for a long time if you’ll pardon the expression. Sure you won’t have some char? It’s as fresh as you can get.
Q. Ah, no, thank you. Enjoy and good-bye.
A. See you around. Who knows, I might even see you at Storyland Zoo. I hear the weather in Edmonton ain’t so bad either.
Q. If you’re a polar bear.
A. Good one. Oh, before you go can you take this with you?
Q. Sure. What is it?
A. It’s a letter to my agent asking him to get after Coca-Cola. I haven’t received my residual cheque this month for those commercials.
Q. That was you?
A. Yep. But try to get paid.
Q. You were great in those. I’d be happy to drop the letter off for you.
A. Thanks.

2006-05-22T19:27:00.000-04:00

Editorials

It’s the Good Ol’ Hockey Game
I want to make perfectly clear that the title of this piece did indeed quote from Stompin’ Tom Connors and I hereby give him full credit and acknowledgment for same. Mr. Connors is apparently somewhat sensitive and litigious when it comes to the use of his intellectual (who is he kidding) property so I wanted to make sure I gave him full credit up front.
Now, let’s get back to the game. Sure as God made little green apples (do I have to credit anyone for that), it’s the best time of year for Canadians and any other nationality that follows the exploits of the hockey heroes of the NHL. It’s playoff time baby, the Stanley Cup Playoffs! This is as close to a national religion as it gets for Canadians. What other event can you think of that would bump Pastor Peter Mansbridge from his usual hour? There are nuclear missiles headed for Iran! We’ll tell you about it later but right now it’s back to Hockey Night in Canada. The Oilers and the Wings are tied after three and we are going into overtime! Don’t ya just love it? This year, of course, playoff time is all the sweeter for having suffered through the lockout hockey drought last season in our winter and spring of discontent.
I have to admit feeling a little schizophrenic at this time of year because as many of you might know, I spend part of my year in the Tampa area, home to the last Stanley Cup Champions, the Tampa Bay Lightning. They have now become my second “home” team as it were and nobody was cheering harder for them to repeat their Cup performance from two years ago than I was. Alas, as I write this, the Ottawa Senators have ended the playoff hopes of the Lightning. And, if I was honest, I’d have to admit that the better team won and good luck to Ottawa.
But my one true hockey love is still the Edmonton Oilers and “How about them Oilers!” Wow! Is it not sweet watching them confound the Detroit soon to be “Dead Things”? Even better, the possibility exists, if the stars align, and the Stars decline, we could have an Edmonton Oiler-Calgary Flame series. How great would that be? Sorry Flame fans but I would just love to see your highly overrated hockey humiliated and humbled by the Edmonton Oilers. And before the emails start arriving, just count the Cup banners hanging in the Saddledome and compare that with the number of banners hanging in Rexall Place. I rest my case.
One of the results of last year’s lockout and return to play was a set of new rules governing play in the NHL and I have to say that overall I like this new version of the greatest team game in the world. Finally, the skilled teams are allowed to demonstrate their talent on the ice and not constantly be held, hooked, and tripped. It makes hockey even faster and more exciting to watch especially in the playoffs. If you don’t have good specialty teams in the new NHL, you are not going to win.
That being said, I just wish the referees could decide on a standard of enforcement. Fine we have the new rules and let’s stick to them but let us not go overboard. How many penalties have you seen called this playoff year for just being in the same neighbourhood as the opposing player? Contrast that with the shocking stick to eye of Saku Koivu and no penalty was called. How can two referees miss that? It seems impossible especially when not two minutes later, Montreal was penalized on a phantom infraction. I want a consistent standard of enforcement so that all players know what to expect and don’t have to play a guessing game as to what constitutes tripping or holding.
In the mostly hockey ignorant southern United States it can be a real challenge to find where and when the games are televised. It’s not like back in Canada with the rock solid knowledge that CBC and TSN will cover the games. And once your team is out, good luck finding updates in your local sports reports here in Florida. Thank heavens for the internet! And with satellite radio, I can even hear the excited game call of the voice of the Oilers, Rod Phillips. Ain’t technology wonderful?
Even though the Tampa Bay Lightning are now eliminated, this is still one of the best playoff years for a long time in my humble opinion. Maybe I just didn’t realize how much I missed the action after last year’s dismal spring with no hockey. But that is all behind us now and let us bask in the glory and excitement (not to mention the odd brew or two) of the 2006 Stanley Cup Playoffs! Go Oilers go! Exit Flames exit! I’ve got to go now as Buffalo and Philadelphia are just about to face off and there is more hockey later tonight. God I love this time of year! Hand me a cold Canadian and get your hands of the remote. It’s the good ol’ hockey game and it’s on the tube now!

Go! Oilers Go!

2006-05-22T19:20:00.000-04:00

Tumbleweed Of The Month

Blast From the Past
This year is fairly flying by don’t you think? It seems that only yesterday I was trying to totally ignore Christmas! And while we’re speaking of things that ought to be ignored, I bring up the lovely and talented Presto Manning, the former leader of the Refoooooooooorm Party of Canada who some ill-advised dreamers seem to think can be the next leader of the Alberta PCs and therefore, by definition, the next Premier of Alberta when Ralph Klein has finished doing his farewell dance of the seven veils. Now there’s a disturbing visual for you!
I am sure Mr. Manning is a very nice guy in an innocuous sort of way but let’s face it: he is way past his best before date. The guy is 63 years old which is the same age as the soon (let us all hope) departing Ralph Klein. But there is something about Mr. Manning that seems to say I am not 63 years old-I am 83 despite the makeover and blow-dried hair of his last election campaign! He was replaced by Stockwell Day for God’s sake!
His supporters, like former Calgary alderman John Schmal, have formed a Preston for Premier initiative and have advised Mr. Manning that the time is right to jump into the Alberta Progressive Conservative leadership race citing a Leger Marketing poll that shows the fooooooooormer leader of the Refooooooooorm Party of Canada has significantly more support than Jim Dinning the supposed favourite.
I understand that there is a certain level of temptation for Presto to jump into the race. After all, as I wrote many mooooooons ago in one of the earliest issues of this humble cyberjournal, he is still trying to live up to the ideals of his father, the legendary Ernest C. Manning. I recognize the symmetry of the father-son complete the circle in Alberta history thing but let’s be serious. I know there are parts of the population of my fellow Albertans that would be only too pleased to have an Alberta circa 1955 happen again but folks, as much as I like nostalgia, it ain’t gonna happen. If you want life in the Fifties, I suggest you watch the History Channel because making Presto Manning the Premier of Alberta in a lame attempt to channel the Great Ernest won’t do it.
The other motivation to make a Presto for Premier campaign happen has a lot to do with the disgruntled hardcore fooooooooormer Refooooooorm Party of Canada types to take power in Alberta after they were rudely shoved aside in the great PC-Refooooooooooorm-Alliance merger, coup, or whatever. It’s not a coincidence that after Prime Minister Stephen Harper passed over most of the old guard Alberta original Refoooooooormer nut bars for cabinet posts, this Presto for Premier train gathered some steam. They want to create a bastion of ultra-rightwing conservative government here in the promised land of Alberta. I wanted to say ultra-rightwing conservative thinking but that would be an oxymoron-heavy on the moron.
To be fair, and you all know that I am always scrupulously fair, Mr. Manning has not said outright that he wants to succeed Ralph Klein, only that he can be persuaded. If he is still in the decision making process about whether or not to enter the race let me offer a helpful suggestion: for God’s sake Presto no! Don’t do it! Just let the shell of Social Credit and the Refoooooooorm Party of Canada die already. Just set that ghost free to return to the grave. Turn out the lights, the Refoooooooorm Party is over!
Let the wack jobs rally around Ted Morton, Mr. Manning, and enjoy your retirement from politics. Since we are in the midst of the Stanley Cup Playoffs allow me a hockey analogy to sum up. The great players know when their careers are over and it’s time to hang up the skates for good. Even though you were a fourth line player or a bench warmer at best Mr. Manning, it’s time to take those worn out Bauers home, tie the laces together, and throw them over a nail in the garage buddy. She’s all over.
For even contemplating a return to the political spotlight, Presto Manning, fooooooooormer leader of the Refooooooooorm Party of Canada, is hereby declared the Tumbleweed of the Month for May. I wish we could have some sort of ceremony or presentation but if that happened you might be tempted to write a book about the experience and I still have the rope burns on my neck from when I attempted to hang myself while slogging through the last one. If there is a small consolation for you, however, it was more interesting than Deborah Grey’s autobiography. Let me just say that both books now have a cherished place in my home-the kitchen table is now steady! Sooooooooo long, Presto (I hope)!